A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

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"Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape."

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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

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A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"

"No, I never found the head."